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Opposing Husbands

Author Topic: Opposing Husbands  (Read 16887 times)

Offline Mell

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Opposing Husbands
« on: April 17, 2003, 09:04:35 PM »
When I started training in 1995, my husband was very much opposed to it.  He insisted that I stop training after three months.  Because I valued my marriage, I did what he asked.  It was nine months before I was able to return with his blessing.   Why my husband relented, I do not know, but many women face the same hurdle to training.  

We have a new student in our school who started three weeks ago.  Her husband and both of their families are upset that she is training.  What advise can we offer to one another to help others get through these types of situations?

Both of these examples are families where the husbands do not train in martial arts.


« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »
Sibak Mellody Porter
ANDERSON MARTIAL ARTS - Grafton, Ohio
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Jon Pack

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2003, 02:04:52 AM »
I have seen this before with not only women but also the men in the school. The student spends three one hour sessions at the school during the week and some even come in for a one hour private lesson each week. That can be a good portion of the time that one has to offer the significant other in their lives.
I think that the instructor or fellow student could offer that the time spent training has qualities of health, well being, loyalty, family and the sense of being apart of something truely unique and if given time the benifits will be obvious to the people who are closest to the practitioner. A note on time apart. I tell our students that we offer 3 classes a week and it is great to see them at all the classes. But we do lead busy lives and it is possible to  receive the benefits of training by attending 2 classes a week regularly, if you can make 3 now and then that is great.
Also if time is a restraint then private lessons can be a perfect supplement to group classes and have a number of benefits not the least of which is tailoring to your schedule.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »

Offline D-Man

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2003, 07:17:27 AM »
Yes, training can sometimes be hard on family life.  We try to avoid problems by 1) setting up family events so that the whole family can be involved with the student, and 2) by not having too many events that take up family time.  The two sound contradicting, but we try to balance them both out.

I know it's not a direct solution to the problem, hope I could help somehow.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »

Karazenpo

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2003, 08:44:00 AM »
I agree, if a husband is not into it he may oppose it do to the fact some household responsibilites and/or companionship go neglected because of time spent away training but did you ever consider this? I know for a fact, some guys are insecure about their significant other being stronger than them (women in bodybuilding) or being able to protect themselves better. I know it sounds chauvanistic and it is and it doesn't bother me in the least. :) I like it but there are guys I know that have told me it bothers them and after discussing it with them further it boils down to their own insecurities and some even admit it.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »

Offline Nagi

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2003, 09:52:33 AM »
I have one family that has 3 of there kids involed in my childrens class and the mother of the children wanted to study in the adults class. She came for her free week and signed up and got a uniform she did very well because of her prior womens Kickboxing classes. Her husband was very mad that she signed up and I think because she was the only women in class at the time &
the class was all men and he didn't like that? See what happens when you are good looking ;D ;D ;D

Ron      
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »
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adacas

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2003, 12:35:23 PM »
This is a personal topic for me since I see it all of the time.  In highschool I had a lady friend of mine join me in wrestling.  She was pretty good. (for a girl of course ;D)  The problem was during one practice her boyfriend decided to surprise her at practice by showing up.  Unfortunetly what he saw did not translate into wrestling practice but his girlfriend being fondled by a group of men.  He flipped and demanded that she quit.  I knew him and a lot of guys like him and insecurity runs rampant.  Unfortunetly my friend did as her boyfriend requested.  I see a lot of girls do this in all sports and activities.  This makes me pretty mad.  When a woman takes up an activity and the man objects to it 3 out of 4 times its insecurity.  It may be due to the idea of the woman being stronger or even if the woman ends up participating with other men.  This stuff drives me crazy >:(
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »

Offline Mell

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2003, 05:59:28 PM »
The issue of insecurity was definatley a factor in my situation. (Though I do not believe he would ever say that.)  As time when on, and my rank increased, it turned around and became an issue of pride for him.  Now he tells everyone that I train in martial arts.  :)

I think he was concerned about the issue of my being in a male environment as well.  I solved that by inviting all my girlfriends to take classes with me.   Though it was not my doing, the female population of our school often outweighs the male population now.  

One of my hubands greatest concerns was household issues being undone.  Mainly the fact that he can not cook and would like to eat dinner at a normal hour.  I solved that problem by making his dinner ahead of time and putting it into microwavable dishes for him.  
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:04 PM by -1 »
Sibak Mellody Porter
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adacas

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2003, 05:23:27 PM »
I have to say that nothing tastes better than a reheated home mande meal. ;) And thats the truth.  I live primarily on leftovers.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »

Offline Mike Nagano

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2003, 12:40:07 PM »
I realize my situation is different because I have been involved in the martial arts for 20 years and was thrilled to finally meet someone who shared my interest.  Heide, who is now a 2nd degree black belt under Sigung Bishop, continues to train in Hung Gar.  We have a 2 year old son, and, Mell, I'm not that great of a cook either.  But I do what I need to do to support my wife's interests, even if that means eating hotdogs for dinner (I'm more creative than this in the kitchen, but not much).  Otherwise, how can I expect her to support mine?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »
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Offline Mike Nagano

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Re: Opposing Husbands
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2003, 08:38:23 PM »
Hotdogs, however, did sound good for dinner tonight, so to hell with being creative in the kitchen.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by 1054443600 »
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Offline Cassidy Drake

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Re:Opposing Husbands
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2003, 05:27:06 AM »
Well I guess I'm lucky, I met my wife at my former school, I was a assistant and she was a student.  It went on for a year and I asked my Shihan if it was ok with him.  He already knew who I was talking about.  He set us up, I got engaged at the studio, and married all within the next year.  My wife got pregnant and I still practiced, and  was gone when she was home, but she knows it is my passion so she lets me do it.  I'm a easy husband, I do all the work outside, and I help out as much as I can, so I guess it is my reward ;D

Anyways I would get to the heart of the issue and sit down and talk to him about it.  Invite him to do it.  Tell him why you are doing it.  I will support my wife in whatever she does, unless she wants to be a stripper 8)

But anyways I say talk about it and the good it does for you.

Offline Serene

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Re:Opposing Husbands
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2003, 03:41:55 PM »
How about OPPOSING WIVES?  :o

You know they exist. So gentlemen how do you guys deal with this issue? :-X

Is it an issue or not? ???

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Offline Brandi Ross

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Re:Opposing Husbands
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2003, 04:28:04 PM »
Kajushodan is right...  What about the wives taht oppose the training.  I know about a couple that ran into this.  It almost ruined the marriage, but things have been smoothed over.  I think that too much time was being put into training and not enough time into family affairs.  As for husbands, sometimes it's an issue of who is "going to feed the children or wash the clothes".  Sometimes it's a fear of the spouse getting hurt.  Martial arts will always have bumps, bruises and other injuries.  Everyone needs to realize this.  Question: what are some of the other reasons why spouses don't want someone to train?

Thanks,
Brandi
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Greg Harper

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Re:Opposing Husbands
« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2003, 05:29:05 PM »
 8)
Insecurity  :-\
we all need our own time, for our own thing.
but most spouses get mad when time is spent with out them.  :-\
trust them or leave them  ;D or you can fight about it  ;D
but it is not just the martial arts.
it is softball / bowling / gym time, & on & on.
I have been with my wife for 35 years, we met in grade 6 & I can tell you we have had many talks about my martial arts &  the gym.  :o
but we some how made it.
this is just the view of a man, my wife say's it is because it should not be put first befor her.
she is looking over my shoulder  ;D
remember men are from mars and women are from hell.
Wooops just took one to the back of the head. ;D
I ment venus.
I love my wife very much, but we just see things different.
trust them & give them equal time.  :D
good luck

 8)
Greg Harper

Offline Gints Klimanis

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Re:Opposing Husbands
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2003, 05:45:56 PM »
Hi,

Well, I'm not married, but I can comment on how wives have affected my students and training partners.

The head of my club has had three wives over his 65 yera lifetime.  His second wife wanted him to stop running his school and sit with her eating dinner on trays while watching TV on nights.  He said he just couldn't stand it.  
His third and current wife of 20 years has been most supportive of his endeavors, even while raising two daughters.   Rich is a natural leader, so I'm sure that
letting him do what he does best, run a Kenpo club, is
a key ingredient to his marriage.

For students, it seems that many are interested.  Many students drop out after about six months.  Some cite
reasons that include "my wife doesn't like the bruises"
"my girlfriend doesn't want me to do this."  However, given that others drop out after roughly the same time period, I suspect that the "significant other" excuses
don't have much substance.  They're simply convenient exit lines after the initial excitement has worn off, and the student is now faced with a lot of hard work.  My
translations are "I don't like the bruises, and my wife agrees with me"  and "I don't want to do this anymore, and my girlfriend agrees with me." The hobby has just crossed the line from entertainment to a way of life.

For training partners, I've had good luck with keeping
a steady schedule.  This is a good rule, as significant others (SO) seem to prefer to plan around this event.  
The steady schedule also may relieve some feelings of abandonment as the absence of the husband is defined.  For that reason, it's good to end on time. Also, I think it's good to drop by and socialize with the SO that she can see someone else that is just as enthusiastic about the training.  If ths SO knows you,
then she'll learn to trust you as a friend even though the
martial arts training even though the training leaves marks and aches on her husband.

I didn't provide a list of reasons in this post. Gotta get back to work.  More later.  Brandi, it's great you brought up this topic.


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